questions.

where am i going? where will i end up? 

only a girl

sunday mornings tend to be quite lax, no one is ever home and i find myself lonely especially out here in san francisco. this morning, i burst into tears for no apparent reason, and the tears kept coming. all i really wanted was a hug...and it just sucks not to have the comfort of someones embrace readily available. anyways,  i just needed to get out of the house, i saw the ocean from my window so decided to take a drive down and just sit and ponder. I brought my journal, blasted fiona apple loudly on the way  (tears still rushing down my cheeks) "its calm under the waves in the blue of my oblivion" and sat down at the beach for a good hour or so. 

shitty as i looked, blood shot eyes from crying, grungy hair still smelling of cigarette smoke and last night's dingy downtown bars, i managed to drag my butt down to the SF State track. now, this is my litle secret, i go here to workout and get away from feeling like a gerbal in a cage in the usual gym scenario. I like to breathe in the fresh eucalyptus trees, crisp ocean air, and just be by myself... I listened to more feminist movement artists (a la fiona apple, cat power, tori, and the like). I brought my polariod camera along, and just took peaceful pictures down by the track...I want to start putting them together in an album/ portfolio and entitle them "seullement" which means only in french. it is "only" me. and alone as i may be all the time, i guess there is something awfully beautiful that can arise in these feelings of solitude. Its just realizing how to channel this energy into something creative rather than detrimental.

I treated myself to a hot chocolate and sat and read my book at the cafe. Im reading Michael Pollan's "The Omnivores Dillemma" and its horrifying to delve further into the underground practices of industrialized food production from the beginnings to the end where it ends up pretty packaged and all on our store's shelves. Tomorrow, Im going to make myself a nice, warm lentil soup, with garlic, tomatoes, and all sorts of beans and legumes, a vegetarian delight.

The point I want to tell myself in a day like today is just to keep on truckin, turn something bad into something good...at 6:30, Im in much greater spirits than I was at 10 this morning. And Im happy to say that I did get through it alone...reliance and dependency (on others) is a terrible thing, and i never want to be there, ever.

And I keep on keeping on....

colorama

there are quite a few things that simply make me happy by just being in the midst of them...the warmth sun, low humming voices on the radio, fresh pots o coffee, and COLOR (bright, ecstatic lively bursting unapologetic color). when i drive through streets of san francisco and see houses of odd color concoctions, it makes me go yeah! that person is amazing. I cant wait until the day I have my own house to decorate in all types of color. fuck neutrals, give me color!

emotional

im having a hard time remaining on a continuous notion. I get ecstatic with inspiration or desire, or have a long time going on a cloud nine, but something always seems to make it crash, and im back at square one. i know i have control over this, but i have a downfall of always letting my emotions get the best of me...

on another note, its fall time in san francisco. a crisp fresh air decked with rusting leaves. and i thought california was void of seasons. obama fever has taken light of the city, and i was blessed to be in the midst of a "riot" taking place down on mission the other night to witness the true joy that has come of the defeat.

where to go from here, i say...

forward only